A thirst trap, in internet parlance, is a “sexy” photo of oneself (generally in a state of semi-undress), posted to social media in the hopes of ensnaring public likes and comments. There is no intent on actually pursuing any sort of intimacy from this attention, thus differentiating the thirst trap from something more direct like a sext. Anyone can thirst trap, but do so repeatedly and one’s entire account and entire online existence eventually becomes a thirst trap unto itself.

In its purest form this is a grift that attempts to alchemize general horniness into that most valuable of internet currencies: attention (and in some cases actual money in the form of PayPal, Amazon Wishlists, etc.). In 2018—deep into the golden age of grift—there is no better mark than the Very Online Trump Supporter, their brains as mushy and sopping wet as that of the president himself. Consequentially, this has led to the rise of the MAGA Thirst Trap, a particular brand of thirst trap account tailored to the things your average red-hatted American is horny for. Generally these accounts feature some unifying hallmarks. There is still a young, attractive (in this case always white and always female) person who posts sexy photos, but in this instance those photos include something to “trigger the libs” (usually guns). Here are a few classics of the form:

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This is all plenty dumb already, but we are deep into summer and it is very hot outside and so we all must do our part to be even dumber and hornier and we must do so while wearing less. It is no longer enough to sexily own the libs with guns. Now, to stay at the bleeding-edge of lib-triggering MAGA thirst trapping, one must also include bikinis, plastic straws, or preferably both.

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This is the logical endpoint of a political climate driven by people who have no actual politics beyond being seen and making other people mad. The bikinis are probably self-explanatory, but perhaps not the straws. Plastic straws, you see, have been the subject of a number of proposed bans on the town and city level, on account of the fact that they make a ton of trash and fuck up the ocean and the animals that live in it. In turn, these people have decided that liberals are either mad at or afraid of the straws themselves, and that the mere sight of them will then induce the kind of erotic impotent liberal rage that will eventually earn the poster an appearance on Fox & Friends. You may not like it, but ultimately you have to respect the hustle. The gold rush is on in Donald Trump’s America and if you want your share you’re going to have to strip down, wade in, and pan through the muck.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

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