Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Let's rank the animals of Robert Downey Jr.'s Dolittle poster and trailer

Image: Dolittle (Twitter)

We haven’t heard about Robert Downey Jr.’s The Voyage Of Dr. Dolittle for quite some time, with the Avengers movies and the idea of another Sherlock Holmes stealing all of the attention away, but now the movie has received a new title and a new poster to go with it. The movie (now Dolittle) is a new take on the seemingly irresistible idea of a man who wishes he could talk (plus grunt and squeak and squawk!) with animals, based on Hugh Lofting’s old 1920s children’s books, and the poster features Downey surrounded by fun animals with the tagline “He’s just not a people person.”

Of course, there’s only so much we can say about a poster, and it’s Sunday, so let’s go deep on this one and figure out which of these animals is the best. An actual trailer has also been released, showing some of these animals in action, but it has no influenced their rankings at all. You can see the trailer below.

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For reference, here’s the full poster:

9. Duck

Image: Dolittle (Twitter)
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We’ve seen talking ducks on TV for years now thanks to Aflac, so the bar for a talking duck is pretty high. The reason this particular duck ranks so low is because its beak looks super weird when it curves into a smile. Also, while a lot of these animals just look like they’re having a good time, the duck seems to be laughing a little too hard. Like, if you did something funny and the duck laughed like this, you’d think it was laughing at you, not with you. This duck can go to hell.

8. Polar Bear

Image: Dolittle (Twitter)
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The polar bear looks fun, but that hat is trying way too hard. The bear probably calls people “bro” and smells like pot all the time. Bears are cool, you can just be a bear, but putting this winter hat on a bear is just screaming “hey, look at me, I’m a bear.” Very uncool.

7. Fox

Image: Dolittle (Twitter)
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On the other end of the spectrum is this fox, which seems to have shown up in this photo on accident. The bear is screaming for attention, but the fox doesn’t even seem to be aware of what’s going on. Hard pass.

6. Giraffe

Image: Dolittle (Twitter)
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The giraffe ranks in the bottom half simply because of how crowded the photo is. It doesn’t get a chance to really put any of its personality out there, because it needs to make room for all of the pushier, showier animals. Also, is the giraffe physically standing really far away and bending its neck way down, or is everyone else high up on some kind of platform?

5. Dog

Image: Dolittle (Twitter)
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This is a snooty dog. It probably speaks with an accent and tries to keep Dolittle from being too wacky. That being said, people with glasses don’t get enough respect, and the dog shouldn’t be judged just for that. Then again… how is it wearing glasses? Are they really tightly wrapped on its face?

4. Gorilla

Image: Dolittle (Twitter)
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The gorilla just looks like a gorilla on first glance, but look a little closer and you’ll see why it ranks so high: It’s wearing a backpack or suspenders or something, and it has its arm around Dolittle! That’s super fun. It seems like a good friend.

3. Ostrich

Image: Dolittle (Twitter)
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The duck could learn from this ostrich about how to have a legitimately good time, as opposed to an ironic good time that is just about criticizing a poor dog and its glasses. The ostrich might not be as much of a buddy as the gorilla, but you simply do not have a party without this ostrich.

2. Sugar Glider(?)

Image: Dolittle (Twitter)
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Look at this little guy. Look at him.

1. Parrot

Image: Dolittle (Twitter)
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This. Is. How. It’s. Done. The pose. The facial expression. Pure and utter delight. Cut out all of these other animals and make a movie about the parrot. Parrot, starring Parrot Downey Jr., tagline: “Parrot’s just not a parrot parrot.” Make the parrot the star of Sherlock Holmes 3. Give the parrot an Iron Man suit. Put the parrot in Smash.

And here’s the weirdly melodramatic trailer, featuring significantly more battleship attacks than you’d expect.

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[Note: These are objective rankings. Please do not try and argue with any of this in the comments.]

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