Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Let the Pizza Hut weighted blanket be the cocoon from which your best self emerges

This is not the pizza blanket, it’s just pizza. But you’d be forgiven for getting confused!
This is not the pizza blanket, it’s just pizza. But you’d be forgiven for getting confused!
Photo: Shannon O’Hara/Getty Images for Pizza Hut

Humanity got one step closer to achieving its ultimate dream of being crushed to death beneath the warm, cheesy embrace of a big ol’ Pizza Hut pizza today, as the distinctively roofed restaurant chain released its plans to allow customers to purchase a weighted blanket that has a glossy JPEG of their pizza on it. Coming in at 15 pounds, the Original Pan Weighted Blanket weighs roughly eight times that of a large Pizza Hut pizza (we do weird math some days), and is considerably less greasy, at least until you eat a lot of pizza while laying on or under it and then use it as a big ol’ sexy anxiety napkin.

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And while the metaphorical impact of human beings seeking comfort by literally crushing their fragile mortal bodies under pizza does feel, let’s say, fraught, we can’t deny that there’s something warm and inviting about all those lovingly printed pepperoni adorning the blanket’s surface. Per Nerdist, the blanket is being produced in association with Gravity Blanket, and will cost 150 American human dollars (although, as Nerdist points out, that’s 25% less than Gravity Blanket’s usual costs, presumably on account of shame). Meanwhile, the more intangible costs of watching the light slowly drain out of your partner’s eyes as you explain to them that you’re treating your anxiety by huddling under a blanket that probably smells fine (but absolutely looks like it doesn’t) remain incalculable, but divorce-y, as we go to press. (Also, the blanket is sold-out right now, but hope springs eternal and all.)

The blanket would presumably also make a pretty good starting point for a Pizza The Hutt cosplay, provided you could find a way to scaffold the thing properly. We’re just saying.

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