Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Let’s stop going in the ocean if this is what we’re going to drag up

Behold, your faceless nightmare (Screengrab: ABC News)

For years, we’ve been content to quietly fight the new cold war—a war against the ocean. In response to the unending stream of terrors that issue forth from its unyielding, bilious churn, we’ve managed to make a pretty good dent in the watery deep’s population of monstrosities, while also doing a respectable job of poisoning their environment. And yet, for every move we make, the ocean always seems to be four steps ahead. So perhaps it’s just time for a detente, a cessation of all acitivites, in the hopes the damn ocean will just quit it already with all the evil. After all, if we’re going to be dredging up stuff like a faceless fish from hell, we should just concede the battle already.

That’s what happened recently, as a team of scientists off the coast of Australia were exploring the ocean floor along the continent’s east coast at depths of 4 kilometers. According to ABC News, this latest denizen of the Lovecraftian depths is nearly half a meter long, and lacks a face. ““That’s kind of the highlight so far for us,” said Di Bray, from Victoria Museums. “Apparently, it’s got eyes way under the surface but really you can’t see any eyes.” This isn’t the first time we’ve discovered such a hellish beast—the famed HMS Challenger reportedly caught one in the Coral Sea back in the 1870s—but it’s the first indication the ocean has been biding its time, amassing its arsenal of fiends, and is prepping them to storm the land of the dry-walkers.


So unless we’re ready to do the smart thing and launch the entirety of our nuclear arsenal into the briny morass of its roiling waves, it might be wise to consider calling it a day, and keeping to ourselves. Perhaps some sort of a demilitarized zone separating us from our implacable enemy? After all, it seems to be working out great for the Koreas.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter