“Introduction,” Common Sense, Thomas Paine:

Perhaps the sentiments contained in the above sitcom trailer are not yet sufficiently fashionable to procure them general favor; a long habit of not thinking a thing funny, gives it a superficial appearance of being unfunny, and raises at first a formidable outcry in defence of a basic sense of humor. But the tumult soon subsides. Tim Allen makes more converts than reason.

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As a long and violent abuse of TV comedy, is generally the Means of calling the right of Last Man Standing to exist into question. And as the King of ABC had undertaken in his own Right to support the cancelation of said show on what he called his network, and as the good people of this country are grievously oppressed by the loss of such a “dangerous” sitcom, they have an undoubted privilege to inquire into the pretensions of the former, and equally to reject the loss, preferably while seeing someone get hit in the crotch and hearing a “Billary Clinton” joke that was outdated in mine own time.

In the following sheets, the author hath studiously avoided every thing which is sensible among viewers of TV. Explanations of why Tim Allen deserves to be on TV in perpetuity are not proferred: The wise, and the worthy, need not the triumph of a FOX network to validate their following Tim Allen into the great grunting future; and those whose sentiments are injudicious, or unfriendly, will cease of themselves unless their conversion to watching Last Man Standing this fall is assured.

The cause of America is in a great measure the cause of all mankind. Many circumstances hath, and will arise, which are not local, but universal, and through which the principles of all Lovers of Mankind are affected, and in the Event of which, their Affections are interested. The laying of a Country desolate with Fart jokes and nature sight gags, declaring War against those who would prevent all Mankind from watching subpar sitcom buffoonery, and extirpating the Defenders of standards of quality from the Face of the Earth, is the Concern of every Man to whom Fox Network hath given the Power of feeling; of which lowest-common-denominator humor, regardless of Party or intelligence, is the birthright and truth to which we entrust our very souls—souls which will proudly exit our bodies as we tune in Fridays at 8 p.m. ET.

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—Philadelphia, Feb. 14, 1776