Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Kirk Van Houten's crimes against crackers exposed in newly unearthed "A Milhouse Divided" pages

Illustration for article titled Kirk Van Houtens crimes against crackers exposed in newly unearthed A Milhouse Divided pages
Screenshot: Disney+

There’s no episode of The Simpsons—or, perhaps, television—more hilariously sad than “A Milhouse Divided,” the season eight entry about a newly divorced Kirk Van Houten. After a very public split during a dinner party at the Simpsons, Luann finds love with an American Gladiator while Kirk records a dud single and sleeps in a race car. A series highlight, it’s ensured at least one A.V. Club writer can’t fetch something from the car without saying “I feel like changing wigs.”

Last night, former showrunner Josh Weinstein took to Twitter with some pages from the episode’s first draft. “I’ve posted parts of it before from Steve Tompkins’ brilliant 1st draft, but never the whole explosive ‘Dignity’ scene in its entirety,” he wrote, posting pages that reveal just how disastrous Kirk was for Luann’s dad’s cracker factory.

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In Tompkins’ longer version of the party scene, Luann reveals that Kirk disregarded his boss’ vision for the “first peanut butter cracker” in favor of one with a “pocket of salt on the inside.” Furthermore, his “Trout Thins,” a potential Goldfish competitor, failed to catch on. And this is to say nothing of the factory fire he started to hide his losses. You won’t see similar behavior from Allied Biscuit. (You also won’t see Krusty, who, in this draft, shows up for what he assumed was a friendly bit of wife-swapping.)

Weinstein also took a moment to engage with fans, revealing that the scene’s inspiration was Edward Albee’s volcanic Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf? and that, if he had another crack, he’d keep Homer’s original closing line intact.

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Reading this first draft again today, I’m like ‘Wow, that’s an incredibly strong first draft,’” he said in another tweet. “There’s so much that made it to air.”

See for yourself by revisiting it below.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

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Randall Colburn is The A.V. Club's Internet Culture Editor. He lives in Chicago, occasionally writes plays, and was a talking head in Best Worst Movie, the documentary about Troll 2.

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