Presumably after seeing those pics of Kirk Cameron standing next to a bunch of footlongs at his birthday party a few years back, someone has taken the liberty of inserting the Saving Christmas star into a book of gay erotica. By “book,” of course, we mean e-book, although you can also, surprisingly, get it in paperback for $6.99. Regardless, it’s a self-publishing sort of deal, one of those zany Amazon erotic novellas that also brought such classics as A Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay, Space Raptor Butt Invasion, and I’m Gay For My Living Billionaire Jet Plane into existence.
Called Kirk Cameron & The Crocoduck Of Chaos Magick, the story features Cameron as the leader of a “Pray The Gay Away” religious camp who falls under the spell of a magic—sorry, magick—crocoduck conjured up by a disgruntled camper. Is there a “Growing Pains” pun in the item description? You bet. Here’s an excerpt, courtesy of Queerty:
The Crocoduck darted toward the kneeling and shocked open-mouthed Kirk Cameron. Kirk didn’t close his mouth in time and took nine inches of the Crocoduck. It squealed with delight while flapping his wings. The Boners followed the Crocoduck’s lead but went into the 69 position. They sucked one another, mirroring each other, looking like a funhouse of fellatio.
Putting aside for a moment that that prose makes Grey seem like a Dostoyevsky novel, “Funhouse Of Fellatio” would make a great porno title. And while the whole “crocoduck” thing may seem like a simple attempt to one-up the author of My Ass Is Haunted By The Gay Unicorn Colonel, it’s actually a reference to one of Cameron’s go-to arguments against evolution. Namely, if Darwin was right and life forms transition into other life forms, why have you never seen a crocoduck, huh, smart guy? So, you know, don’t feel too sorry for him.