Kindergarten Cop

Universal’s DVD-focused 1440 branch, the same group that brought you such dignified DVD sequels as Jarhead 3: The Siege, and Beethoven’s Treasure Tail, may be remaking 1990’s Kindergarten Cop for the direct-to-video market. The new film will update Arnold Schwarzenegger’s undercover police comedy and/or sex education primer for the 21st century, with the lead character teaming up with his sidekick Sanjit to recover a lost flash drive from a primary school classroom.

Why remake a beloved film so clearly of the era in which it was made? Well, besides the obvious answer—crass, rank mining of nostalgia—just look at that fresh, futuristic plot synopsis up above. The original Kindergarten Cop didn’t even have flash drives, a woeful oversight only barely forgivable because they weren’t invented when the movie was filmed. Universal’s remake will solve that problem, dragging Kindergarten Cop into the future, not unlike a giant man hauling a load of adorable children, or a movie executive, burdened by guilt.

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Anyway, Protagonist (features and accent to be determined later) and Sanjit won’t just be teaching and investigating; they’ll also get involved with a beautiful female teacher and some violent Albanian dudes, probably while reciting lines of dialogue that people will be drunkenly rambling at you in bars for decades to come. But don’t expect to hear any racy anatomical facts about penises or vaginas—or who does and doesn’t have them—because Kindergarten Cop Again, We Guess is also being developed as a launching pad for a possible TV series. Finally, the roles of Hero Mannington and Sanjit will have a chance to grow on the small screen, developing season-long arcs and long-term dramatic consequences. (We’re especially looking forward to the reveal that it was a tumor, kicking off Bland Insertnamehere’s Walter White-esque descent into madness and sin.)