Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Illustration for article titled Kevin Spacey emerges from slime pit with worst possible pandemic take
Photo: Scott Eisen (Getty Images)

After months in quarantine, it’s fun to engage in a bit of dark humor by asking rhetorical questions like, “Do you remember vegetables?” and “Do you remember human touch?” and “Do you remember the freedom to harmlessly cough with abandon in public spaces without drawing the panicked stares of passerby?!” It’s a bit of nostalgic gamification, on the most banal level possible. Here’s a curveball: “Do you remember Kevin Spacey?” First of all, no. Second of all, why? Fond recollections of an accused serial sexual abuser simply do not exist, no matter how good said accused serial sexual abuser’s performance might have been when he portrayed a psychopathic serial killer.

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All of that said: Kevin Spacey—or a pale, (allegedly) lecherous slug-man in a sweater vest who resembles Kevin Spacey—has emerged from the slime pit he calls “home” to deliver a speech to a bunch of business people for a German conference called “Bits & Pretzels.” Although this setup has all the makings of an ill-advised prank involving Cameo, The Wrap assures us it is horrifically very real. We will spare you the video evidence of the aforementioned speech, which ran for a senseless 10 minutes and featured the actor—who was ousted from his career following allegations of sexual abuse in the fall of 2017—professing empathy for those affected by the coronavirus pandemic. Specifically, the slug-man in the sweater vest says he can relate to people who lost their jobs due to the global pandemic because it’s very similar to how he lost work when he was accused of multiple instances of sexual abuse.

“I don’t think it will come as a surprise for anyone that my world completely changed in the fall of 2017. My job, my relationships and my standing in my own industry were gone in just a matter of hours,” the slug-man said. “And so while we may have found ourselves in similar situations albeit for very different reasons, I still feel that some of the emotional struggles are very much the same. And so I do have empathy for what it feels like to suddenly be told that you can’t go back to work, or that you might lose your job, and it’s a situation you have absolutely no control over.”

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It’s almost exactly the same thing! Forget #MeToo, how about HE TOO.

Really, the most astonishing part of this whole thing is that a slug-man has evolved to learn human speech. Truly a remarkable advancement for slug-men everywhere.

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