Prince’s musical archrival Kenny G doused the flames of their long-burning blood feud yesterday, laughing off his enemy’s pitiful declarations that “the Internet is completely over” as though swatting away an androgynously sensual horsefly. On a mountain of skulls and soprano saxophones, in the castle of pain and soothing adult-contemporary jazz, Kenny G sat on a throne of blood and sneered that if the Internet be dead, “Then I must be dead too, ‘cause I use it all the time. Maybe I’ve got a sixth sense, and I only see dead people.”
As his bone-chilling words issued forth from The G's twisted lips, the shadows stretched and enveloped the land in eerie stillness, the sky grew dark as sackcloth, the cattle keened and pushed stillborn horrors from their wombs, and all the while The G cackled at the little Prince’s petulant refusal to embrace digital platforms to release his music—foolishly surrendering his last possible escape from the yearning abyss of cultural irrelevance, as G swept in and announced plans to keep up with “Internet and download-savvy” fans by making his latest “R&B-flavored” Heart & Soul available for all, so they may know his might. And while these titans of music clashed in the quaking heavens, terrorizing the plains with their violent fulmination of electric funk and gentle New Age melodies, the innocent listeners trembled below, waiting to see which Internet-related prophecy would play itself out before cravenly pledging their loyalty. There would be no rest tonight.