This fall, worldwide superstars Justin Bieber and the CBS series CSI—two cultural sensations which both rank in the upper echelons populated by The Beatles, Michael Jackson, and M.A.S.H. as far as CSI producers are concerned—are uniting for a mega-event: the season premiere of CSI which we have tentatively titled “When Phenomenons Collide: An Ass-Kissing Lesson In Ecological Mutualism.” According to The Hollywood Reporter, 16-year-old pop tart Bieber will make his acting debut on the series as part of a ratings blitzkrieg tactic that worked successfully this past spring when Taylor Swift guest starred in the series’ tenth season finale. According to the report, in the eleventh season premiere, Bieber will play a serialized legal drama cliché in his dramatic acting turn as a troubled teen facing a difficult choice regarding his only brother, one that will illegally lead to the monotone, shades-wearing CSI team knocking on his door for DNA samples. The storyline will conclude later in the season.
Though we typically prefer to disarm and dismantle news stories with our own spin on things, in this case, we’re just going to let the CSI producers speak for themselves—they don’t need our help. Here is a joint statement released by Carol Mendelsohn, Don McGill, and Anthony Zuiker concerning Bieber’s guest role:
Every 20 years, a phenomenon like Justin Bieber graces our world. We'd like to believe that the phenomenon of CSI has had the same impact on popular culture. The opportunity to bring them together in the premiere is a great treat for our audience and all of its new viewers. This will be true event television. We're looking forward to Justin's dramatic star turn, not only in the premiere, but in a continuing seasonal arc.
“True event television?” This is about as desperately "must-see" as the second time they attacked a cast member with a helicopter on E.R. Besides, who are the producers kidding? The CSI viewing market has no clue who Bieber is.