Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Photo: Taylor Hill/Getty Images

Today is our lord and savior Justin Bieber’s 23rd birthday. It seems like it was just yesterday that he captured the hearts of America’s preteen populace with his glossy helmet of hair, surprisingly sprightly drumming and dancing, and velvety croon. He rode that wave into a long stint as a spoiled, toy-crazy boy-prince, as best seen in his almost mockumentarian bit of promotional material Never Say Never. Soon, though, we journeyed with Justin into the depths of teenaged depravity: There were the racist jokes, the heavily publicized breakup with Selena Gomez, and the endless string of un-subtle dick pics. He became such a distraught bad boy that he eventually went on a full apology tour, including a comeback single literally called “Sorry.” Now he is out here pissing himself, then claiming that he didn’t.

Journey with us via this GIF:


Yes, we’ve been on a real journey with this onetime moppet, now a thinly mustached faux dirtbag gazing with eyebrow-raised suavity out from magazines and mugshots. The GIF seems to capture the fullness of the Justin Bieber experience: first as his smile fades, then returns, then fades again, before morphing into a soul-dead sneer; as his hair slowly retreats from his face and into a pompadour; and as his eyes bore out at us in glib self-satisfaction, an unchanging assertion by Bieber of his own self-worth.

How is this living manifestation of American post-capitalist decline celebrating his 23rd year upon this fair Earth? As is his wont, by brewing up some sick fucking beats in his lab:

As FACT points out, he is watched over in his rainbow-tinted smooth R&B paradise by none other than a picture of himself.


Please continue doing you, this year and every other one, Justin Bieber.


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