Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Justin Bieber challenged Tom Cruise to an MMA fight and Conor McGregor wants to host it

Photo: Justin Bieber (Miami-Dade Police Department/Getty Images); Tom Cruise (Far & Away

How was your weekend? Good? Did you get outside and enjoy that early summer weather? Maybe have a barbecue or take a trip to the pool or beach? Did you finally find time to knock off a few chapters of that book? Did you challenge Tom Cruise to an MMA fight?


Yes, that’s our dear friend Justin Bieber, age 25, staving off the Sunday scaries by challenging the 56-year-old star of Mission: Impossible—Fallout to a fight. It’s difficult to say what precisely spurred the Biebs’ desire for martial combat with a man 31 years older than himself, but whatever the reason, Bieber already has one man in his corner: occasional UFC fighter and full-time clown show Conor McGregor.


You can’t have a fight without an undercard, but worry not, McGregor has a solution for that, too.


Sure, why not? Mark Wahlberg seems like the type of dude who thinks he could beat Conor McGregor, and McGregor seems to have abandoned serious fighting in favor of stupid bullshit like this anyway. He’s stepped into the octagon exactly once since 2016, in service of receiving a brutal beating at the hands of Khabib Nurmagomedov that made it clear McGregor is no longer a top fighter, if he ever truly was. Surely Wahlberg could find time to fit some MMA training into his daily schedule.

Bieber, meanwhile, seemed perhaps to have settled down since he found religion and then got married last fall. No more abandoning monkeys in Germany. No more hotboxing private weed planes. No more peeing in buckets while slandering former presidents. It is difficult to tell if this challenge is a deviation from that path, or if it is just another step on the path to mature adulthood. Sooner or later, we must all cage-fight the Tom Cruises of our own restless souls.


But you are not here to know the unknowable that resides within a Canadian pop star’s heart. What you want to know is whom to bet on in this semi-hypothetical matchup, and thankfully there is no shortage of degenerates in the U.K. to provide you with odds. Per the British gambling site Oddschecker, bookmakers have opened betting with Cruise as a 1/2 favorite over the younger Biebs.

“Cruise’s performance in Far and Away highlighted his [on screen] boxing ability,” said Oddschecker’s Callum Wilson. “On the other hand, Bieber seemed to struggle in a scuffle with Orlando Bloom a few years ago. Expect Cruise’s odds to drop as time progresses.”

While Cruise’s athleticism by way of performing his own stunts and being a frighteningly intense crazy person is well known, Bieber is mostly known for playing basketball incredibly poorly. Tom Cruise can/would/will kick Justin Bieber’s ass.


Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

Contributor, The A.V. Club.

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