In just one month, our collective minds will be blown to glittery, fur-covered smithereens. Should you need further reminding that a spectacular shit-show is nigh, here’s the new trailer for Cats, a movie that’s destined to make every cat lady disown her cat-children and burn her “I hate Mondays” sweaters in a fit of manic disillusion. There’s hissing. There’s dancing. There’s singing. Idris Elba collects an unfortunate paycheck. This. Is. Cats.
Okay, but seriously: Why is Universal presenting this trailer as if Cats is a feline-themed super-sized edition of Dancing With The Stars? “Only one can win,” the trailer boasts, as if we’re about to watch some cats enter a fucking Thunderdome. The only thing that grounds this trailer in anything resembling reality is the depiction of Dame Judi Dench as god-like (she is). Apparently she holds the power to decide which cat gets to die and be reborn into a more perfect life of their choosing—which seems like a sick joke. Is Cats... actually about an old, wise cat tricking a bunch of younger, naive cats into believing that death is the ultimate lottery? Is cat-Judi Dench an evil genius who’s convinced all these cats to fight for the right to die?! Is Cats a secret masterpiece?
The answer to all these questions (and maybe actually probably none of them) will be revealed on December 20, while you’re busy watching Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker.