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Jonathan is “Bride Of Grooming” and Tan is “CEO Of Shirts” in this “bot”-written Queer Eye script

Photo: Christopher Smith (Netflix)

Bot-written scripts—wherein a bot presumably watches several hours of a certain show, then tries to recreate it—are usually pretty hit or miss. This latest one, a send-up of Queer Eye from UCB comedian Keaton Patti is straight-up hilarious, even though the “bot” part seems rather dubious. For one thing, Patti says that the bot watched 1,000 hours of QE, when only 32 episodes currently exist. Sure, the bot could have watched the whole thing on a loop. Or this all could just be Patti’s own undeniably funny bit. Much as we would like to think a bot could come up with a phrase like “skincare poutine,” we kind of doubt it.


Nevertheless, the Queer Eye “bot” script is still well-worth a read. The “Fabbed” Five get more appropriate monikers like “Groceries Professor” (Antoni), “Builder Of Every Structure On Earth” (Bobby), “Culture Daddy” (Karamo), “CEO Of Shirts” (Tan), and “Bride of Grooming” (Jonathan). The group heads out in a truck “that has good self-esteem” before they see “who they will make cry tears today.” Groceries professor Antoni sees no guacamole and is worried, asking, “What do you put in your stomach?” and offers to bake a lime. But this smart bot also wisely realizes that Bobby does the work of the other four guys put together, with lines that witness as “Antoni screams until Bobby builds a dam” and Bobby building “five new mansions from unclaimed sand.” Sounds about right.

Queer Eye season four recently dropped on Netflix and is also tremendously entertaining, although it is in fact probably going to make us cry tears today.

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Gwen Ihnat

Gwen Ihnat is the Editorial Coordinator for The A.V. Club.