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Johnny Depp close to completing transformation into mole person

Photo: Jesse Grant / Getty

Over the past couple of years, Johnny Depp has slowly begun the hubristic fall from grace third act of his inevitable Lifetime biopic starring Skeet Ulrich’s son, with the superstar who once carried billion-dollar franchises like a jaunty hat now bowing under a string of box-office failures, domestic violence allegations, potential financial ruin, and blood feuds with Australia and the chupacabra. Now it seems Depp may be taking the next, inevitable step in that transformation: becoming a mole man.

According to Us Weekly, Depp wants to connect his five neighboring cul-de-sac homes in the Hollywood Hills through “an underground tunnel system,” one that would allow him to safely move between without being seen by prying tourists or sunlight. Unfortunately, the only thing preventing Depp from constructing his massive labyrinth, then force aspiring actors to fight Keith Richards at the center of it, is that the sole remaining, non-Deppian owner of the sixth house in his cul-de-sac refuses to sell. Although Depp has reportedly offered him “everything,” the owner refuses to be tempted by extravagant sums or driven away by nightly blasts of blues-rock guitar solos.


Of course, this all comes from “a source close to the star,” which means there’s every right to believe that this story is bullshit, and that Depp is just trying to live a normal life, all alone inside his five adjacent mansions, whose grounds he wanders on the surface level, thanks, like a regular person.Still, it’s noteworthy that—particularly after the recent lawsuit revealing that Depp spends more than $2 million per month (including $30,000 just on wine), and once paid $3 million to shoot Hunter S. Thompson’s ashes out of a cannon—it’s gotten so even the most bizarre of Johnny Depp rumors now seems entirely plausible. In that sense, it’s perfectly reasonable that Depp might want to hide from the world that’s exposed so many of his secrets and live out the rest of his days scurrying through his human Habitrail, making nests out of scarves and shredded scripts, until he’s pulled, hissing, back into light by Disney executives whenever it’s time for the next Pirates movie.

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