Joaquin Phoenix—who’s either an insufferably pretentious narcissist or an amazing actor, depending on your opinion of I’m Still Here—is considering a return to more straightforward, less controversial acting in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, playing the “mythic, ageless” mentor who instructs Benjamin Walker’s Abe in the ways of vampire slaying. But Phoenix won’t really be killing vampires—he’ll just be totally faking it, like a big phony. Anyway, to say that a lot is riding on Phoenix’s next career choice would be an understatement, but really, all anyone should care about is keeping this role from Anthony Hopkins.

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