Trumpy Bear—a stuffed bear decked out in the American president’s trademark too-long tie and floppy, spoiled mayonnaise-colored hair—is impossible to understand. Though we assumed that it had retired to the den of a shipping warehouse forevermore after first appearing in a disorienting commercial last year, the plushy predator has left hibernation once again and is prowling the world for fresh meat.
Now, the absolute monsters at Jimmy Kimmel Live! have forced us into awareness of the beast’s return by building on the foundation of the original commercial (which, truly has to be seen to be believed) with a somehow even darker update to the ad.
In it, we’re given Trumpy Bear testimonials by those affected by the current administration. Instead of just showing small business owners and racist grandmas being stoked about the stuffed animal, Kimmel adds a child interned at the Mexican-American border (“Trumpy Bear, you’re my new mom”), a black driver wrongfully pulled over by a white cop (“Now I can make the police smile with my partner, Trumpy Bear”), and a woman who received “$2,000 to keep quiet” after having sex with a leather-clad Trumpy Bear.
The clip also shows a happy customer unpacking not only the American flag blanket tucked inside the real bear, but also some presidential bonus items like a half-eaten cheeseburger, framed photo of Putin, dead baby duck, and “a fully loaded assault rifle.”
Considering that Trumpy Bear seems poised to remain on the market, providing real, true-blooded patriots with the perfect gift for their “economically anxious” loved ones, we may as well get used to attempts at one-upping the ridiculousness of the premise every time it appears. This is likely the only way to maintain a grip on our place in a universe so chaotic it’s capable of birthing this cuddly horror in the first place.
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