Saying that he was “inspired by the brilliant Louis C.K.”—and specifically, all the very inspirational money that Louis C.K. brilliantly ensured he doesn’t have to share with anyone else—Jim Gaffigan is also taking the self-released route for his upcoming stand-up special, Mr. Universe. Gaffigan plans to make the performance (to be taped in Washington D.C. on February 25) available sometime in April as a $5 download, with $1 from each purchase going to the Bob Woodruff Foundation to help injured service members and veterans—making it so that if you don’t buy it or you download it illegally, you automatically hate America. Gaffigan further mused on this possibility via his Twitter account, adding, “If no one buys the special or if lots of people steal it then I suppose I will lose a lot of money and have egg on my face. But then again I have four kids, so I am always losing money and usually have egg or some kind of food on my face so it might just feel normal.” So yeah, he also has four kids you’d be stealing from, in case you still feel like being an asshole.