One of the many celebrities who has most readily embraced the spontaneity of the Internet while epitomizing why maybe that’s not such a good idea, Jim Carrey has posted a typically unfiltered video in which he declares his seemingly heartfelt love for Emma Stone and laments their 27-year age difference. “If I were a lot younger, I would marry you, and we would have chubby little freckled-faced kids,” Carrey says, before unspooling a detailed fantasy of camping trips, rounds of Yahtzee, “and the sex?” Yes, and the sex. Lots and lots of Yahtzee-fueled sex that Carrey proclaims would make Emma Stone “thank God that I was the appropriate age for you.”
Alas, Jim Carrey is but one of many much-older men—men with graying beards and incipient urination problems—who harbor crushes on Emma Stone, so he can only wish her “love and contentment” in a sincere, almost paternal way, while also adding a whispered, “I love you” with a comical chin quiver in a last-minute attempt to transform what seems like an otherwise very straightforward, desperate proposal into an act of deadpan comedy. Carrey continued those mixed messages on his Twitter feed today, saying, “Yes, my msg to Emma Stone was a comedy routine and the funniest part is that everything i said is tru [sic].” It’s sort of like when you’re barking up the tree of a hot female acquaintance that clearly has no interest in you, and you’re like, “Ha ha, wouldn’t it be funny if we slept together? That would be hilarious.” Anyway, here’s the video.