Jeopardy! is running its annual Teen Tournament right now, a.k.a. the yearly chance for America’s glut of trivia-obsessed teens to fight it out for the chance to be named King or Queen of the Nerds. Besides serving as a vital drafting tool for America’s top bullies as they look for new talent to “scout,” the Teen Tournament is also the long-running quiz show’s biggest attempt at youth outreach, transforming the pun-obsessed youngsters of today into the answer-in-the-form-of-a-question dweebs of tomorrow.
All that being said: There is absolutely no fucking excuse for the blatant and egregious display of “Fellow kids”-ing that Alex Trebek and company deployed this week, when they showed off the show’s new intro for this year’s tourney. We can forgive the hashtags, sure. Even the bizarre mustache drone might have its place. But we find ourselves forced to draw the line at the dabbing variant of Rodin’s “The Thinker,” the CGI equivalent of turning your hat (And your chair! The full package!) around backwards and inviting some hip teens to “rap.”
Like, do teens even still dab? Did Trebek himself not bloodily murder that particular dance move when he performed a variant of it on the show last year?
What’s next, Jeopardy!: Questions about Fortnite? (Oh god, there are going to be so many questions about Fortnite, aren’t there?.) You don’t have to do this to yourself, show. You’re not goddamn Wheel Of Fortune. These nerdy children have already pledged their souls to you, forged in the fires of hundreds of quiz bowls and spelling bees and Knowledge Masters competitions. Anyone watching Jeopardy! is already 40 in their soul, regardless of their physical age; you don’t need to gild the lily with memes and dancing statues, too. You’re better than this, or at least more comfortingly dull.