Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Jeffrey R. Epstein is having a normal one online

Photo: AnaBGD (Getty Images)

Jeffrey Epstein, the shady financier and convicted sex offender, is dead. Jeffrey Epstein, who was slated to go to trial on sex trafficking charges before allegedly killing himself in prison, is not online. Jeffrey Epstein, who flew celebrities and prominent political figures to his private island on a plane called the “Lolita Express,” is not online because he is dead.

Even if you don’t think he’s dead—and a lot of people don’t, apparentlyplease do not harass people online who are named Jeffrey Epstein. They are not the Jeffrey Epstein you are thinking of. If Jeffrey Epstein is not dead, he’s probably not online. If Jeffrey Epstein is online, he’s not using his real name. Come on.


So, please, leave Jeffrey R. Epstein alone. Because Jeffrey R. Epstein’s replies were a nightmare this weekend. The self-proclaimed “Disney geek” made as much clear on Sunday, when he tweeted out a screenshot of people telling him to “rot in hell” and other such sentiments. Another person—we’d assume they’re not the only one—asks if he really committed suicide or if he was murdered, a question that Jeffrey R. Epstein cannot answer, for he is not that Jeffrey Epstein. That Jeffrey Epstein, were he alive, would also probably not answer that question, given that he would likely want people to think he was dead.

His replies were also filled with well wishes from the less poisoned among us, several of whom have, er, popular names of their own. There’s financial planner George Papadopoulos, for example, who is not the George Papadopoulos who served on Trump’s foreign policy advisory panel and lied to the FBI about his contacts with Russia.


There’s also Kayla Moore VanHoose, who people think is apparently the wife of disgraced former Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore.


And Mark Harris, who is quick to acknowledge that being mistaken for an election fraudster isn’t nearly as bad as being mistaken for Jeffrey Epstein.


We’re sure that guy named Brett Kavanagh is also sympathizing. 


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About the author

Randall Colburn

Randall Colburn is The A.V. Club's Internet Culture Editor. He lives in Chicago, occasionally writes plays, and was a talking head in Best Worst Movie, the documentary about Troll 2.