(Photo: Lifetime)

Today in “Huh, that sounds more like something Shia LeBeouf would do”: Vulture has an exclusive report on the progress that’s been made on James Franco’s remake of the Lifetime Original Movie classic—that’s right, classic—Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?. And while it’s great that someone is checking up on him, it also sounds like the network is basically leaving him unsupervised while it’s busy focusing on its career, which executives would know is a fatal mistake if they watched their own movies.

In other words, Franco’s way of “remaking” a campy Tori Spelling vehicle about a college student who gets sucked into an abusive relationship with a charming (male) sociopath is to discard everything but the “Tori Spelling” part and make a lesbian vampire movie instead.

No, really, here’s the description:

When theater major Leah (George), brings home the special someone in her life to meet her mom, Julie (Spelling), the family is met with a surprise when Pearl (Meade) comes to the door. Julie tries to embrace the idea of Leah’s new love interest, but she can’t shake the feeling that something is very wrong. Julie’s suspicions lead to a startling discovery about Pearl that puts Leah in serious danger. Will Julie be able to save her daughter from an eternity of heartache before it’s too late?

And yeah, the description doesn’t mention vampires per se. But this pic from Vulture’s story lets that particular undead cat out of the weepy, wine-soaked bag:

(Photo: Trae Patton)

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That appears to be Ivan Sergei, who played the titular “Danger” in the original film, there to teach the kids about the birds and the bloodsuckers. Leila George co-starts as the naive daughter, along with Emily Meade of The Leftovers fame as her undead girlfriend. Spelling, naturally, will play the mom, who should probably follow her instincts about this whole “lesbian vampire” thing, but won’t take any decisive action until the third act. Franco will appear in the movie as well as directing it, and he better take this thing right over the top or I swear to God collegiate lesbian vampires will be the least of his troubles.

“It’s not just a phase, MOM!” will be yelled when this ”remake” debuts on Lifetime’s streaming service, Lifetime Movie Club, on April 29.