In a rare besting by the physical universe, James Franco has announced that he will not be able to wryly comment on the superficiality of acting with a reprise of his smirking, self-aware performance on General Hospital, because there are limits to the space he can occupy at any given time. Lamenting the laws of physics at the premiere of Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes, Franco told E! that there was “a little bit of misinformation” when ABC promoted his September 20 return, saying that he would be far too busy shooting Sam Raimi’s Oz The Great And Powerful—just one project among the litany of commitments we listed when the story first surfaced. Of course, this too could be a bit of misdirection, allowing the Franco timeline to diverge into two separate realities when the universe isn’t looking. “These are the new quantum mechanics of Franco,” Franco would whisper, as his vibrations cause the previously excited particles around him to become aloof and blasé.

Advertisement