Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

It's 3 p.m., let's watch a ridiculous rap video about Scientology

We first came across the above video on veteran Scientology reporter Tony Ortega’s website. If its chintzy aesthetic, bargain bin beats, and sheer abundance of white people “raising the roof” has you wondering how it isn’t a parody, well, you’re not alone. But Ortega points out cameos from “high-profile” Scientologists like actor Michael Roberts and wealthy donor Kathy Feshbach, as well as Clearwater, Florida’s Flag Building, where church members apparently “learn super powers.” “No question it’s legit,” he told us via email.

“Lemme tell you something, SPs ain’t nothing,” the ultra-pasty MC spits in one of the song’s several references to “suppressive people,” i.e. literally anyone who disagrees with the church’s oppressive stances. Later, he raps about the church’s human rights campaigns (which are bullshit) and its promise of freedom—“We bring freedom forever / This is freedom for good”—which is hilarious considering the church has been widely reported totorture and imprison its members in a building called The Hole (it even has a Wikipedia page). There’s also multiple references to the IAS (the International Association of Scientologists), which functions as their “official membership organization.” Become a member and you, too, can get one of those nifty hats (and, presumably, try to help Danny Masterson get away with assaulting multiple women.)

“I have no doubt they didn’t want the public to see this,” Ortega told us over e-mail, which is reason enough for you to scroll up and hit play.

Randall Colburn is The A.V. Club's Internet Culture Editor. He lives in Chicago, occasionally writes plays, and was a talking head in Best Worst Movie, the documentary about Troll 2.

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