His believers say He could heal the sick, raise the dead, and turn water into wine. Impressive achievements all, but apparently Jesus Christ is in desperate need of a better agent in light based on His truly depressing entry at the Internet Movie Database. The Lamb of God is hardly the only historical figure who rates His own page at the venerable website, despite having lived and died well before the advent of motion pictures. Some of these folks have had quite robust posthumous film and television careers. William Shakespeare has a couple dozen films in pre-production right now, after all. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart’s credits include The Big Lebowski, How I Met Your Mother, and Groundhog Day. Even Abraham Lincoln is given his due as a co-screenwriter on the 1912 film Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. But the only begotten Son of God, whose screen aliases include “Lord and Savior Jesus Christ,” “Our Creator,” “Jeshuo Cristos,” and simply “Jesus,” has a mere eight movies to his name, ranging from 1974 to 2012, none with more than five votes.

Christ’s participation in said films seems to have been purely honorary. The 2004 documentary Evolutionism: The Greatest Deception of Our Time, for instance, chose to give Him “many thanks,” as did the same year’s Design: The Evolutionary Nightmare, while 2012’s Shaken opted to give Him “special thanks.” In 2008, Only Hope went a step further, offering the Lord “very special thanks.” Christ’s IMDb page also asks readers this ponderous, billboard-ready question: “Do you represent Jesus Christ?” It then pleads for His disciples to “add a resume or photo to this page.” The Redeemer’s news feed is well worth investigating, too. There, one will learn that Fifty Shades Of Grey actress Dakota Johnson obliquely referenced the Savior of Mankind while publicly chewing out her mother, Melanie Griffith, who has expressed some prudish misgivings about seeing her daughter’s performance in the steamy adaptation. “Alright!” said Ms. Johnson. “You don’t have to see it. Jesus Christ.”

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