Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Is Orlando Bloom's morning routine real, a joke, or Patrick Bateman role research?

Orlando Bloom (Phillip Faraone/Getty Images); American Psycho (Screenshot)
Orlando Bloom (Phillip Faraone/Getty Images); American Psycho (Screenshot)

Celebrities sure love them some morning routines. While the rest of us are blearily gulping down our second cups of Keurig coffee, people like Mark Wahlberg have already prayed, worked out, eaten three meals, and golfed. The Rock has probably already drained a small New England town’s lake of its entire cod population.

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Earlier this week, however, we saw a new entry into the pantheon of ridiculous, ultra-LA morning schedules—this one from Carnival Row star Orlando Bloom, who recently detailed his usual start to the day to The Sunday Times.

After 20 minutes of “Buddhist chanting” and reading “a bit of Buddhism,” Bloom prefers to “earn” his breakfast, “so I’ll just have some green powders that I mix with brain octane oil, a collagen powder for my hair and nails, and some good protein.” We assume “good protein” refers to something like beans, considering how he later describes himself as “90-per-cent plant-based.” That said, he admits he still allows himself “a really good piece of red meat” about once a month. So maybe he’s referring to human flesh.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves here! After his Buddhist prep work, there’s a hike soundtracked to Nirvana and/or Stone Temple Pilots, followed by a prompt, 9 a.m. breakfast consisting of “porridge, a little hazelnut milk, cinnamon, vanilla paste, hazelnuts, goji berries, a vegan protein powder and a cup of PG Tips.”

While some have surmised that Bloom’s “It’s all quite LA, really” aside during the interview hints at a modicum of self-awareness, please allow the following direct quote to divest you of that notion: “I have a deal with Amazon where I work on projects exclusively for them. I spend a lot of time dreaming about roles for myself and othersfor minorities and women. I’m trying to be a voice for everybody.”

So there you have it, everyone. Is Orlando Bloom sincere in his Buddhist chanting, goji berries, and “really good” hunks of meat? Is he subtly mocking West Coast cultural excess? Is one of his exclusive Amazon projects an American Psycho remake, albeit recast completely with “minorities and women?” Wouldn’t that contradict the original story’s message? If so, he’s not doing as good a job as his apparent successor in that Pirates of the Caribbean franchise reboot. Or...hmm...

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Of course, there’s always the simplest explanation: Orlando Bloom is a LA-chic sociopath hungry for human flesh.

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Send Great Job, Internet routines to gji@theonion.com

[via THR]

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Andrew Paul is a contributing writer with work recently featured by NBC Think, GQ, Slate, Rolling Stone, and McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He writes the newsletter, (((Echo Chamber))).