Photo: Miss Congeniality

April 25th was once a date on which to wax nostalgic about one of Miss Congeniality’s most charming scenes. Asked about her perfect date (as in romantic evening), naïve Miss Rhode Island responds, “That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25th, because it’s not too hot, not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.” Funny, right?

Well, no one’s laughing now, because that scene only serves to remind us that 2000 was a far simpler time before the effects of global warming had begun to ruin our understanding of seasonal temperatures. In fact, is there even such a thing as a perfect date anymore? Or are we just living through days marked by existential confusion at our inability to predict temperatures based on the seasons? After all, just take a look at the current U.S. weather map:

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“Not too hot, not too cold,” huh? More than half the country is experiencing temperatures over 75 degrees, even up into the mid 80s. Far from the perfect day for a light jacket, that makes this the kind of day on which wearing a light jacket immediately becomes a burden because you have to take it off and awkwardly carry it. Meanwhile the parts of the country not experiencing that mini-heatwave are plagued by a cold front where the temperature is hovering at 55 degrees or lower. In other words, that makes this the kind of day where you immediately regret only wearing a light jacket because you clearly underestimated how cold it could still be in late April. And while you considered bringing a scarf, your stupid roommate told you it was “okay” outside so you didn’t think you needed one.

Then again, perhaps this has less to do with global climate change than it does with Miss Rhode Island’s glaring state-centric worldview. After all, Rhode Island is currently hovering at a lovely 61 degrees—that perfect sweet spot for a light jacket. So fuck you, Miss Rhode Island. While April 25 may be the perfect date for your temperate New England lifestyle, the rest of us are suffering through the frustrating period of spring in which you can never figure out how to dress so that you’re not either freezing or overheating. A true Miss United States would know that.