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Iron Man 3 to include Jessica Chastain additive for maximum efficiency

As agreed upon under the terms of its cooperation with China, Iron Man 3 is close to installing Jessica Chastain, the recently developed additive that has quickly become a standardized component of modern film production. "The Jessica Chastain has a uniquely high adaptability rate that allows it to graft seamlessly onto any porous film material," a Chinese movie technician said, probably, "and so it is in the interest of happy efficiency that she should be utilized to play 'a sexy scientist every bit as smart as Tony Stark,' as dictated by schematics and boners." The Iron Man team took care to point out that Chastain's function in the finished design would be explicitly load-bearing, as the primary provider of the necessary "sexy" female quotient would still be Gwyneth Paltrow, who will have what The Hollywood Reporter describes as "a beefed-up presence"—a role for which Chinese scientists are bulking up Paltrow by showing her photos of actual beef.


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