Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

In this inevitable Always Sunny spec script, “The Gang Storms The Capitol”

Illustration for article titled In this inevitable Always Sunny spec script, “The Gang Storms The Capitol”
Photo: Patrick McElhenney/FXX

We may be in the golden age of people writing spec scripts for TV shows and/or adaptations for The Muppets, just for giggles. That’s what happens, perhaps, when people stay in their homes for a zillion hours over the course of eleventy-hundred months. There were many ideas for COVID-related Seinfeld scripts, plus an actual Seinfeld script. There was this West Wing humdinger and a gem of a Gilmore Girls take. But this might take the cake. This is an inevitability. This is a thing that would absolutely have happened if we were getting new episodes of this particular series right now. Hell, we still might. This, readers, friends: This is “The Gang Storms The Capitol,” a damn fine spec script for It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia from writer Joe Adams.

There’s not much to be said here. It’s 32 pages, and they’re all basically perfect. How’s Paddy’s doing? Not great.

FRANK
This is so stupid, there’s no one even here. Why do we have to have these stupid things on?

DENNIS
Because, Frank, you could have it, I could have it, anyone could have it. The damn thing is everywhere!

Everyone shifts uncomfortably.

MAC
I think it’s made up.

EVERYONE
WOAHHH!!!

MAC
Look at the facts. I haven’t gotten it, you guys haven’t gotten it and no one else we know has gotten it.

SWEET DEE
But we don’t know anyone else—

MAC
Shut up, Dee! Shut the hell up!

Come on, that’s perfect. It’s all like that. Shortly after the above passage Charlie storms in with a mask with a red spot on—well, actually he storms in without a mask and then puts on a mask with a red dot. Mac thinks it’s sriracha. It’s actually blood. Paddy’s is doing “delivery,” sort of. Frank has been collecting government cheese for some fake businesses.

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It’s the fact that Paddy’s is struggling that sends The Gang to Washington to demand some stimulus money because naturally, they don’t actually have much of a clue as to what’s going on. Charlie gets interviewed by a Vice reporter and he says, “There aren’t any passionate people like that Alex-anchor Hamilton guy. He was the first rapper to be president and what do we got now? No money, no bar, and no rapping, that’s what.”

Charlie and Frank wind up in Statuary Hall. It’s all nuts, it’s all perfect, and while we have no desire to see The Gang end their record-breaking run on FXX, it would make a hell of an ending. So cheers, Joe Adams! Well done. And if you inadvertently spoiled the finale of the next Sunny season, then ah well, them’s the breaks.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

Contributor, The A.V. Club and The Takeout. Allison loves TV, bourbon, and overanalyzing social interactions. Please buy her book, How TV Can Make You Smarter (Chronicle, 2020). It’s short!

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