Leslie Jones might not be the most natural sketch performer Saturday Night Live’s ever had, but she’s arguably the most immediate and personal Weekend Update correspondent ever. As herself—or the on-air version of Leslie which, one suspects, is pretty close to Leslie—Jones showed up one last time in season 44 last night, this time berating GOP lawmakers (in Alabama, Missouri, Ohio, and elsewhere) who are attempting to bum rush Roe v. Wade now that Mitch McConnell and Donald Trump have succeeded in packing the nation’s courts with right-wing lunatics, beery alleged date-rapists, and other Federalist Society minions who think that the Handmaid’s Tale is aspirational.
Jones, indeed, came out initially dressed in the mandatory crimson and white garb of Gilead, introducing herself to longtime Update crush Colin Jost as “Ofjost.” But Leslie Jones isn’t going to be anyone’s brood-mare. (Not even Jost, who she told to shut up at one point after referring to him as a “flat white-privilege latte.”) Doffing her Gilead garb to reveal a black T-shirt reading “MINE” with an arrow pointing downwards, Jones ripped into the 25 white Alabama Republicans who voted to essentially ban all abortion in the state (it’s under appeal—see here for Alabama abortion resources), calling the picture of the milky male mediocrities an ad for Lipitor, and the mugshots of all the men busted at a massage parlor. Questioning why Republican lawmakers are so interested in what women do with their own bodies, Jones demanded, “I don’t care what you do with your 65-year-old, droopy-ass balls,” which is something most people on both sides of the aisle can agree on, certainly.
Continuing in defiant Leslie style, Jones pledged solidarity with the women of these states, telling them, “If you’re a woman out there, and you feel scared or confused, just know that you’re not alone. There’s so many women out there that got your back, especially me.” Shoring up her street cred for the battle ahead in what she termed a “war on women,” Jones gave out her vital stats (6', 233), announced her new full name (Leslie Dracarys That Bitch Jones), and told those men (and women like Alabama’s Republican Governor Kay Ivey), to get ready to kiss her “entire ass.” Oh, it’s on.
You can donate to Planned Parenthood and find out how else to help Leslie Jones smash some patriarchy here.