Adopting a strained, patronizing gaze and breathing through its mouth so as to avoid the stench of liniment, IMDb has finally responded to the lawsuit recently filed by the actress who is upset that the online database revealed her to be much older than she looks and thus fit only for extra work, should a scene call for a human spittoon. The site has filed a motion calling for a judge to adhere to his natural inclination when it comes to women over 40 and just ignore her, arguing that it’s impossible to defend itself unless the plaintiff reveals who she is.

Although, based on its past experience with a particular, unnamed actress who has made several attempts over the years to get the age on her profile changed—including submitting a letter saying that her former manager provided incorrect information, then allegedly faxing in a birth certificate with “redacted” information—IMDb says it’s fairly certain it knows who she is anyway. To her, IMDb has already presented its counterargument of “you ain’t got no alibi,” saying in a statement that not only she is totally old and everybody way knows it, she’s also a selfish liar, even for an actor:

Truth and justice are philosophical pillars of this Court. The perpetuation of fraud, even for an actor's career, is inconsistent with these principals. Plaintiff's attempt to manipulate the federal court system so she can censor iMDb's display of her birth date and pretend to the world that she is not 40 years old is selfish, contrary to the public interest and a frivolous abuse of this Court's resources.


IMDb’s representatives also says they refuse to give in to the whims of a woman who wants to “more easily deceive the public and prospective employers about her age and potentially be considered for more roles.” Which, at last, someone takes a firm moral stand on the side of male audiences that have for so long been tricked and misled into watching women who, were these men to know the truth about their age, they would vomit their penises out of their eyeballs. It remains to be seen whether the actress—identified only as an “anonymous Texas woman,” as with all women in Texas over 40 who are not in politics—will now call the website’s bluff by actually stepping forward, but in the meantime the guessing game continues about who she might be. Though obviously the curious should just look for the circling vultures.