God bless Miley Cyrus for making all of our non-eternal-Hemsworth-matrimony-based dreams come true today, as the singer-songwriter finally allowed us to combine the worlds of Hotel Transylvania coverage and genital-shaped baking into a single, compact news story—just as the prophecies always said we might. Cyrus accomplished this amazing feat of dick-related pop cultural contamination by revealing that she was once fired from Adam Sandler’s “What if Dracula was an ineffective hotelier?” franchise of animated movies, specifically because she bought then-husband Liam Hemsworth a penis-shaped cake and licked it. See?
Instead, Selena Gomez—the rare modern pop star capable of resisting the allure of transgressive pastry licking—was given the part, which she’s played in all three installments of the HT Trilogy. Cyrus went on to, well, be Miley Cyrus, something she was aggressively unapologetic about in a series of tweets today—including The Penis Cake One—that refuted allegations that she had cheated on Hemsworth during their relationship. (The argument, presumably, being that if she was willing to tell her fans about the aforementioned cock cake, and its effect on her voice acting career, she’s got pretty much nothing left to hide.)
Meanwhile, our sincere condolences to the Cyrus-Hemsworth family as they go through a difficult time, as well as to the Sony Pictures Animation marketing manager who’s desperately trying, at this very moment, to scrub these thick, creamy associations from their brand.