Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

"If I get corona, I get corona": Meet the spring-breaking teens who will destroy us all

Illustration for article titled If I get corona, I get corona: Meet the spring-breaking teens who will destroy us all
Screenshot: YouTube

Books, television, and film have had a wide range of pandemic and/or zombie outbreak depictions over the years—some eerily accurate, others not so much. But even taking all these into consideration, we can’t really think of any that properly account for the sheer number of dumbasses around us at any given moment. You always see people with the worst possible weapons to fend off a horde of walkers, but never the guy in an oversized tank top wearing a beer-chug helmet slurring away about how the zombie outbreak can’t be that big a deal because he and his posse still haven’t seen one.

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It’s with all this in mind that we share the following dispatch from Global News, which serves to remind us how selfish, myopic doofuses will almost certainly be the death of us all. Yes, it’s time to meet the souls orchestrating our species’ demise because they refuse to let a pandemic ruin their spring break. Our sincerest apologies in advance.

Look, it’s probably just a coincidence that one can hear Sean Kingston crooningYou’ve got me suicidal” from Miami restaurant speakers at the outset of the video, but goddamn this showcasing of selfish, hormone-driven privilege makes a good case for self-quarantining for as long as the experts advise.

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“Whatever happens, happens...unfortunately, it does suck,” says one teen. Another solemnly adds, “It’s really messing with my spring break.” Soon, we’re listening to a kid named Bryson slurring, “We’re just tryin’ tuhh...we’re just tryin’ to live fuhhr tha moment.”

And if that wasn’t enough to make you want to rinse your eyes with your remaining stockpile of Purell, allow this intrepid reporter, Daniel Uhlfelder, to further make the case for hitting the reboot button on this whole “human civilization” thing.

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“As of right now, I’m on spring break. I just don’t really care, I’m sorry,” brays one anonymous beachgoer. And, look, we’re gonna get out in front of all the inevitable “kids are the worst” comments to remind everyone that it’s not like the wizened among us are acting any better.

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Andrew Paul is a contributing writer with work recently featured by NBC Think, GQ, Slate, Rolling Stone, and McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He writes the newsletter, (((Echo Chamber))).

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