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Having somehow failed upward so hard that we’re vaguely concerned that she might soon fly off into orbit, Megyn Kelly and her big-ass $69 million paycheck have finally, formally departed from NBC News tonight. Per CNN, Kelly will reportedly receive the remaining $30 million left on her three-year contract with the network, in recognition of her sterling service at sucking at hosting a weekly news interview program, and then sucking at hosting a day-time talk show, and then, bafflingly, sucking at not knowing why blackface is a racist, awful practice.

We’ll say this about Kelly’s tenure at NBC: She was certainly consistent, at least in terms of her commitment to suck.


Highlights of Kelly’s time at the network include the time she gave national network airtime to professional attention vampire Alex Jones—who lost part of a fight in court today with parents he accused of faking their children’s murders, so there’s a tiny blessing—getting into an unprovoked battle with Jane Fonda, and, again, the Halloween clip where she asked what the big deal with blackface was, which finally got her yanked off the air.

There’s been speculation about where Kelly might end up once the negotiations with NBC News to work out her ouster were concluded; we’re pretty sure location No. 1 is going to be a fucking bank, though, because again, she just got $69 million for totally failing to successfully do her job. Dear Megyn: Please, please take your lawyers out to, like, Applebees or something. Outback Steakhouse, even. They have earned it.

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