A lot of celebrities and non-expert public figures have already offered their novel approaches to weathering the coronavirus crisis, but honestly, we’ve only heard them out while waiting for the true voice of reason: disgraced WWE Hall of Famer, instrument of Gawker’s demise, and famously pious mendicant, Hulk Hogan, who took to Instagram yesterday with his thoughts on our COVID-19 crisis with his predictable blend of tact, humility, and theological depth.
He also plagiarized God.
“In three short months, just like He did with the plagues of Egypt, God has taken away everything we worship...You want to worship actors, I will shut down theaters. You want to worship money, I will shut down the economy and collapse the stock market. You don’t want to go to church and worship Me, I will make it where you can’t go to church,” preached Brother Hogan a few days before Passover. The star of 3 Ninjas: High Noon At Mega Mountain then went on to claim that the 1.5 million people infected with the deadly virus don’t need a vaccine, they just need some Jesus in their lives.
But perhaps the Gospel According to Hulk’s weirdest aspect is the sermon’s accompanying image, which features a penitent Hogan apparently praying against a cinderblock wall next to a copy-pasted, Papyrus-font quote from Exodus 3:14, “I AM THAT I AM,” which is God’s answer to Moses when asked for the deity’s identity. Slapping that next to a guy like Hogan is off-putting enough, but it’s the inclusion of Hulk Hogan’s name next to the quote that inadvertently drives the nail into William Paley’s Teleological Argument for God.
Sure, it could just be an inadvertently terrible placement of Hogan’s name next to one of the most famous lines in the Torah. But really, would it surprise anyone right now if Hogan pulled one of these?
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