Photo: Alan Vernon/Getty Images

A woman going out alone for a jog is often the beginning of a crime procedural that doesn’t end so well for that woman. In the case of 21-year-old Maine resident Rachel Borch, it was an aggressively rabid raccoon that got its comeuppance during the daily exercise. According to a story from the Bangor Daily News that has been making the rounds, the furry critter bared its teeth, ran after Borch, and latched onto her arm, forcing Borch to drown the raccoon in a puddle in self-defense. It really puts a horror-movie spin on the whole friendly woodland creature stereotype.

As if the story wasn’t badass enough on its own, the local paper covered it with dramatic flair, resulting in one of the greatest small-town ledes ever written:

While jogging on a familiar, overgrown, wooded trail near her home on a recent warm afternoon, Rachel Borch thought to herself, “what a beautiful day.”

Little did she know she was about to be attacked by a rabid raccoon she would end up killing with her bare hands.

Advertisement

We can only hope that this opens up the door for an Elle Fanning vehicle called Werecoon or Run, Rachel, Run, the harrowing story of a girl fighting against nature and its inhabitants at all costs. Time to start thinking about which villainous actor to cast as the raccoon.