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Hot Pockets recalled for containing real, premium cuts of diseased animals

It is a dark time for conveniently esophagus-shaped foods, as an America still suffering from a string cheese drought must now also face the epidemic of a Hot Pockets recall. According a news release from their manufacturers at Nestlé, the lava-like sandwich approximations are being voluntarily pulled over concerns that these particular pockets had been stuffed with “diseased and unsound animals,” rather than the lusty and levelheaded animals one expects in their microwave snacks. It’s all part of a far more massive recall of 8.7 million pounds of meat processed through California’s Rancho Feeding Corp.—which is presumably where you will find the warm hearths of the Hot Pockets kitchen, where Hot Pockets chefs lovingly baste their buttery crusts stuffed with real, very rational hickory ham.

Fortunately, other than comedian Jim Gaffigan, this really only affects the Hot Pockets Philly Steak & Cheese varieties, thus forcing consumers to look for the taste of a genuine, slow-cooked Philly cheesesteak somewhere besides a frozen tube. These specific Hot Pockets may contain the meat that the USDA has deemed “unfit for human food;” all other varieties have thus far escaped such condemnation. [via Time]


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