Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Hot, paranoid singles in your area are looking for you on Awake Dating

"Wait…I agree with Jenny McCarthy, too!"

One of the biggest problems with online dating—with any dating, really—is never knowing how long into the process to wait before you reveal your evidence that 9/11 was an inside job. An hour into the first date? Two? Do you wait until the second date, and risk wasting more of your time on one of the endless sheeple sleepwalking through life, refusing to see how the chemtrails planes spray ensure compliance among the dominant population? Thankfully, there’s now a dating service for us rare individuals who see through the illusion that is modern America: Daily Dot reports that the new online dating service Awake Dating, which arranges romantic connections for those who are “awake,” is now operational.

For those of you who have yet to realize the lie of contemporary society blinding you to the truth of deadly vaccines and Area 51, let us explain. Someone who’s “awake,” as defined by Awake Dating COO Jerrod Fidden, is “one who has investigated and come to his or her own conclusions on a collection of topics and issues. And through this research and critical thinking, [he or she] has ‘woken’ from the fantastic false dream carefully crafted for the ‘consumer.’” Unfortunately, if you’re one of the mindless drones of the masses, that’s probably still a bit vague. Think of a cross between a Nietzschean Übermensch and Steven Hawking, only way smarter and more attuned to the mystical convergence lines under the earth, and you’re halfway there.


Sure, less enlightened souls (or those with misaligned chakra) may call us “conspiracy theorists,” “truthers,” “wackadoos,” “Alex Jones,” and so on, but being part of such a small and oppressed minority can make it hard to find love. That’s why Awake Dating allows for all possible variants of being awake to be disclosed right up front, be it the more garden-variety interests like raw foodism and reiki, or the more hard-hitting truth bombs like the existence of the Jewish/Illuminati Global Elite Alliance. (Admittedly, it takes a while to discover the facts there, given their control of the media and method of hiding out within their secret citadel in the Earth’s hollow core.) But Awake Dating allows users to find love, free of the judgment of small-minded simpletons who refuse to see the Marxist propaganda that drives their oppressive multicultural zealotry.

It’s important for awake individuals to network with other like-minded souls in ways outside of romance as well, which is why Fidden created “Awake City,” a “virtually rendered 3D environment where members can meet.” It’s a lot easier to hold discussions exposing the work of forgery known as The Diary Of Anne Frank when you don’t have to worry about passers-by calling it “crazy talk.” Daily Dot writer Jaya Saxena was thoroughly vetted during her research, but we tried our best to give her the relevant info, as she notes:

I was accused of working for a place that has a “culturally Marxist” bias. I was sent flyers and emails attempting to recruit me into fighting the New World Order. I was told that men have it difficult in our feminized society. I was asked to watch the alien-conspiracy flick They Live, because it may be more documentary than fiction.

So if you’re one of the few remaining courageous thinkers out there who refuse to swallow the Gestapo party lines about tolerance, diversity, and the lack of life on Mars, come find love at Awake Dating. We’re not above poking a little fun at ourselves, after all—we know how the outside world views us, tinfoil hats and all. That’s why we made this cute little YouTube ad to show we can have a good time laughing about how everyone else doesn’t get it. Sign up today, if you can handle the truth.

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