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Hot new wellness craze involves getting out there and just tanning your taint

Photo: Godong (Getty Images)

Our ancestors had a secret to happiness we are just now rediscovering. Between hunting and gathering, drawing little horseys on cave walls, and discovering exciting new ways to die, they would roll onto their backs, grip their dirty hands around their dirty ankles, and expose their nether regions to the life-giving eye of the sun.

Now, in 2019, a bunch of self-proclaimed wellness experts have embraced this ancient practice, putting photos of themselves tanning their taints on social media in order to help lead us back to a happier time.


Most famously employed by “Metaphysical Meagan,” who describes herself on Instagram as a “Healer,” “Teacher,” “Reverse Aging Adept,” and “Superfood Superhuman,” the practice of “sunning” your gear, taint, and butthole comes with a wide array of apparently life-changing benefits. A post running these down sees Megan listing off some pretty great stuff like: “Surges of energy almost immediately!,” “Better Sleep,” “Better connection to my Sexual energy & control of my Life Force,” “Attracting my desires & intentions with ease,” and, as must be expected when others see the practice in action and are quick to join in, “Attracting soul tribe & people who are on the same frequency and wavelength as me.”

“30 seconds of sunlight on your butthole is the equivalent of a full day of sunlight with your clothes on,” we’re told.


Another Instagram post, building on the success of the first, provides even more important details for anyone interested in this important new scientific discovery. Hashtagged “ButtholeSunning,” Meagan fills in the background by claiming, with this specific wording, that “Perineum sunning is an ancient Taoist practice that originated in the Far East.” Not only does it provide the benefits listed above, but it also “Regulates hormone function in the sex organs,” “prevents against the leakage of chi or life force energy from the body,” and much, much more. “Sunscreen is not required” and “!! !! THE INTENTION OF THIS IS NOT TO TAN YOUR BUTTHOLE!! !!” the post tells us. She also credits Ra Of Earth (“Bringer of DAWN” and “Human Teacher/Student”) for introducing her to a practice that, sure, why not, also combats the “disease of laziness” like “vaginal infections and hemorrhoids.”


As you’d expect, all this talk of people lying around with their naked asses pointed up at the sun has attracted plenty of jokes on Twitter.


Insider’s Lindsay Dodgson spoke to Dr. Diana Gall to hear more about just how beneficial this kind of thing is and learned, surprisingly, that Gall says “There is no evidence that sunbathing in this way has any effect on physical wellbeing,” even if “practicing mindfulness and meditation, and getting your dose of Vitamin D” in ways that don’t risk an asshole sunburn are “beneficial for mental and physical health.” Dodgson also quotes Shamir Patel who says that this kind of “irregular sun exposure...could lead to long term sun damage.” Patel instead suggests “going on a long walk in the sun” or “taking a supplement.” Lastly, Dr. Stephanie Ooi says “there is absolutely no proven scientific evidence to suggest any health benefit to sunning your perineum or bottom.”


While we appreciate them chipping in, these doctors, with their fancy “medical degrees” and “years of experience” are obviously full of it. If you need us, we’ll be outside, ankles locked behind our ears, achieving a form of physical and emotional perfection that naysayers in their pants and underwear will never understand.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com


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About the author

Reid McCarter

Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.