King Tommen, Dullest Of His Name, might have pulled the plug on Game Of Thrones’ much-anticipated CleganeBowl last week, when he outlawed the wholesome family fun of Westerosi trial by combat. But that doesn’t mean we can’t still fantasize about the head-smashing good times of days gone by. After all, combat trials are way more interesting than boring old juries and evidence: just two champions, battering away at each other, throwing around banter, and then—sploosh!—there goes someone’s brain.
But they also present a tricky question for the defendants in question: Who do you tap as your potential head squisher or head squishee? To solve that problem, the Game Of Thrones fans—and, in a nice bit of synergy, personal injury lawyers—over at tariolaw.com surveyed 10,000 fans of the show, in order to see which states would pick who as their divine protector.
Not surprisingly—given that he’s a quasi-unkillable, gold-plated Frankenstein’s monster—most states went with Ser Robert “I’m totally not Gregor Clegane’s walking corpse” Strong. But The Mountain’s little brother also got a healthy number of votes, carrying Texas, Alaska, and a number of other states. There were also a bunch of weirdly nostalgic responses, with a number of states going for Khal Drogo—may he rest in a giant, dragon-hatching bonfire—or a version of Jaime Lannister with both his working hands. Also, Oregon went for Brienne Of Tarth, because Oregonians know better than to mess with a badass lady hoisting several feet of fine Valyrian steel.