Time to find your own pad on which to project an eight-foot screen for your Elder Scrolls campaign.
Photo: Chad Kirkand (Barcroft Media via Getty Images)

The old hoary stereotype of the corpulent nerd who lives in his parents’ basement, playing video games and trolling people online, is a tired one that should be abolished, especially the obnoxious “get out of your mom’s basement” retort to any online criticism. That being said, we’ve found Patient Zero.

In news that should send a shudder down the spine of anyone over 18 who is living with their parents while not helping with chores or even getting along with them particularly well, a New York judge has ruled they can evict your lazy ass. CNN reports a 30-year-old man named Michael Rotondo must immediately move out of his family’s home where he has resided, rent- and chore-free, for the past eight years. This comes after Rotondo’s parents were forced to seek a legal remedy after he ignored the five—five!—notices with which they provided him, including offers to help find work and a new place to live.

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Rotondo had contended that he was owed half a year’s notice before eviction, based on his citing the precedent of Kosa V. Logg which argues for a “common law requirement of six-month notice” before forcible eviction, and also based on his utter lack of real-life experience where that never fucking happens. After looking over the notices his parents had given him, totaling roughly two months’ time for him to get his shit together and move out (including an offer of $1,100 to put down on a rental, money to help fix his broken car, and more), the judge—presumably after repeated incredulous sighs about “kids today”—flatly rejected Michael’s arguments.

“I’m granting the eviction. I think the notice is sufficient,” the judge said, leaving Michael to carp to reporters after the ruling that he should still get an additional 30 days to leave following the decision, because he so wisely used the previous 60 days he was given. Hilariously, the story even includes a four-point list Michael’s parents gave him full of things you could deem useful advice for finding your own place, but could also deem “painfully obvious even to middle schoolers.” These included tips like, “Organize the things you need for work and to manage an apartment”; “There are jobs available even for those with a poor work history like you. Get one—you have to work!”; “If you want help finding a place your Mother has offered to help you”; and, most worryingly, “Sell the other things you have that have any significant value, (e.g. stereo, some tools etc.). This is especially true for any weapons you may have.” [Ed. note: Emphasis ours, because this is exactly the alarm klaxon that the county prosecutor will point to six months from now as Exhibit A.]

Insanely, the story ends with Michael expressing optimism that he expects to leave his parents’ basement within three months. No word on whether anyone has explained to him what the hell just happened. Also, you should never judge a book by its cover, but we can pretty much assure you that clicking over to the story and taking a quick peek at Rotondo’s appearance will validate the mental image you have in your head right now.

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