In a move that, if gun-rights advocates are to be believed, will ensure that no one will ever get shot within 50 feet of a TV ever again, Rolling Stone reports that a new home-shopping channel devoted exclusively to the sale of guns and gun accessories is in the works.
The channel, Gun TV, will initially launch with programming between the hours of 1 AM and 7 AM—exactly the time when people are at their most rational and sober—with the goal of expanding to 12, and eventually 24, hours of programming a day. Like other shopping networks, the channel will feature on-air personalities describing and demonstrating the products; every hour, commercial breaks will give firearms manufacturers additional chances to hawk their wares, with a PSA about gun safety thrown in here and there.
As for regulation, once a consumer purchases a gun from Gun TV online or by phone, it will be sent to the nearest federally licensed gun shop to the purchaser’s home. (To this end, Gun TV has already signed a distribution deal with Sports South, the wholesaler that supplies guns to Walmart.) There, the consumer can fill out the proper paperwork for a background check before returning to pick up their shiny new instrument of death—sorry, “shooting sports”—a few days later.
Gun TV co-founder Valerie Castle tells The Guardian that “The vast majority of people who own and use guns in this country, whether it’s home protection, recreation or hunting, are responsible. I don’t really know that it’s going to put more guns on the streets.” (Her head must be a nice place to live.) An infuriating promotional video on the Gun TV website says the channel will “drive an important social responsibility message” by educating consumers on gun safety with a campaign similar to the alcohol industry’s “drink responsibly” message, before getting to the real meat of the thing:
“The gun sales environment in America is fertile,” the video says. “And the Gun TV 24 hour direct-sales network is poised to capitalize on this opportunity.”
Gun TV is set to launch next year, which gives people at least one month to contact major cable providers like Comcast, Time Warner Cable, Charter Communications, and Cox Communications to let them know that they pay a lot of money for their cable subscriptions, and if they see this reckless display of willful ignorance on their TVs while flipping through the channels late at night, they will immediately cancel them and watch the rich variety of programming on Hulu instead.
Acceptable forms of payment for Gun TV will presumably include Visa, MasterCard, American Express, and thoughts and prayers.