Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

To the rest of the world, perhaps, Home Alone was just some harmless slapstick entertainment with a dollop of old-fashioned Christmas sentiment on top. But to Kevin McCallister, the child at the center of the film, it was all too real, man. A new YouTube video shows that Kevin has grown into a deeply embittered, socially maladjusted, and violence-prone adult who still has major trust issues with his negligent mother. Created by and starring musician-actor Jack Dishel, :DRYVRS is a newly-minted web series about a customer who encounters numerous misfits and malcontents who work for an Uber-like car service. In the premiere episode, “Just Me In The House Alone,” it is nervous passenger Dishel’s bad luck to have twitchy human time bomb Kevin as his driver du jour. A long-haired, goateed, chain-smoking, and profanity-spewing Macaulay Culkin reprises his most famous role, taking obvious pleasure in sending up his wholesome former image.

It doesn’t take long before Dishel realizes that something is seriously amiss with young Mr. McCallister, who still uses John Williams’ Home Alone theme as his ringtone but won’t answer a call from his own mother. With the fervor of a Vietnam veteran, Kevin relates harrowing tales of his childhood. “I had to fend off my house from two psychopath home invaders,” he testifies. “I was just a kid. I mean, I still have nightmares about, like, this bald weirdo dude chasing me around.” Things take a decidedly Pulp Fiction-esque turn when a foolish carjacker sticks a gun the driver’s side window. Kevin, it is revealed, still remembers plenty of the survival skills he honed as a child. The hapless criminal soon wishes he had tried to rob just about any other car in the world instead. Kevin’s appetite for violence will never, ever be sated. The Wet Bandits saw to that.

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