Photo: Jason Merritt (Getty Images)

In 1985, the rock world was torn asunder when David Lee Roth stepped down and/or was fired from being the lead singer of Van Halen. While the reasons for the breakup and the ensuing drama that played out over the years would be widely discussed, there’s one aspect of the whole ordeal that people seem to forget: Namely, that one of the reasons Roth claimed he was leaving the band was that he needed to finish the $20 million film he wrote based on his solo material. That movie was, tragically, never produced. But, we still have the script.

As Dangerous Minds points out, Roth’s movie, entitled Crazy From The Heat after the 1985 EP that inspired it, follows the adventures of a rockstar named David Lee Roth “who travels to the mysterious Dongo Island where he gets into all kinds of kooky capers with his manager Bernie.” In his autobiography, also titled Crazy From The Heat because when you’ve got a name that good you just can’t let it go, Roth explains that he had a signed production contract with CBS, storyboards were complete, and costumes were finished before the whole thing fell through and CBS pulled the plug.

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Luckily, the majority of the 90-page screenplay is available online as a PDF, albeit in a frustratingly difficult to read format. It contains about as many references to bikini-clad babes and the word “schlong” as you would expect in a 1980s sex romp written by a coked-up rockstar. Also, the depiction of the fictional island nation the characters find themselves in borders on offensive. Basically, it’s very David Lee Roth.

Here’s a particularly witty exchange that’s emblematic of the kind of humor found throughout the script:

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If you’re intrigued enough to read the rest of the script—or, better yet, put on your own stage production—you can find it here.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

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