Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Here's the ballad of Ted Cruz, post-9/11 country music fan

Illustration for article titled Heres the ballad of Ted Cruz, post-9/11 country music fan
Photo: Alex Wroblewski (Getty Images)

Poor Ted Cruz is always being let down by the pop culture he loves. Despite his attempts to relate to the world around him through references to everything from The Simpsons and Back To The Future to CatDog and Curb Your Enthusiasm, the media Cruz is so fond of always has a way of betraying him in the end. On a small scale, this might take the form of Trent Reznor telling Cruz to “fuck off” for trying to get into a Nine Inch Nails show. On a larger one, as detailed in a new Vic Berger music video, it may involve the Texas senator feeling abandoned by an entire style of music.

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The ballad of Country Ted begins with a clip of Cruz remembering how he “didn’t like the way rock music responded” to the September 11th attacks, forcing him away from his favorite tunes and into the comforting arms of country music. The song that follows details the singer leaving his favorite Stones, Frampton, and Aerosmith records in the past, a low moment he recovered from by finding, like Cruz, that only the balm of “songs about the homeland” helped soothe him. To a rousing chorus of “My music tastes changed on 9/11, the rock and roll just couldn’t heal my wounds,” we’re shown how everyone disappointed in the lack of patriotic rock can follow Ted’s example and embrace mainstream country.

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Having heard this, let’s just hope Cruz never discovers how much progressive country music exists, leaving him with no option but to retreat into the only sounds safe enough for him to enjoy: The comforting noise of a herd of Texas beef cattle mooing away on a proper, god-fearing ranch.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

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Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.

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