If you’re a fan of (or at least passingly familiar with) our A.V. Undercover series, you know that every season isn’t complete without an appearance from GWAR. The intergalactic thrash band has been a favorite guest in our studios since Undercover’s very inception, slaughtering numerous other artists’ songs and stomping through our office and calling us all pathetic worms while swinging their big rubber dicks around. And now you can own a little piece of that experience for yourself.

[UPDATE: A winner has been chosen!]

We’ve been asked by our very patient office manager to please get rid of the below section of drywall painted by artist Jay Ryan, which we salvaged from our last studio makeover, and which has been balancing perilously behind our Onion Labs coworkers ever since. We took it as a souvenir of the final time GWAR played Undercover before the loss of Oderus Urungus, who led the group through a typically spiteful cover of Billy Ocean’s “Get Out Of My Dreams, Get Into My Car” a mere five months before he died (of unrelated reasons). It’s somewhat faint in the photograph, but if you look closely you can see that one of the band members—possibly Oderus, though no one remembers—wrote “GWAR” on it and turned the arm of one of Ryan’s adorable creatures into a dick. They also drew some hairy balls.

Advertisement

If you would like to own this priceless piece of GWAR/A.V. Club/artistic history, all you have to do is tell us in the comments, in 50 words or less, “Why do you deserve this?” We’ll pick a winner by this Friday, November 18 based on the number of upvotes, as well as our own capricious judgment.

Some important things to keep in mind here:

1. You have to pick it up, or you have pay to have it shipped to you. Yeah yeah, I agree. That’s quite the caveat. So, that’s something to keep in mind before emptor-ing. If you don’t live in Chicago or within reasonable driving distance and you can’t come pick this thing up, you’ll have to cover the cost of us getting it out to you. It measures approximately 38” x 38” and weighs… 20 pounds? 30 pounds? Point being, it’s pretty big, so don’t enter unless you really, really want it and are prepared to do what it takes to get it to you.

Advertisement

2. It comes with a certificate of authenticity that I will create on Microsoft Word literally five minutes before we hand it over, if that’s you want. I’ve been told that people like certificates of authenticity, so no problem, I’ll slap that shit together for you, and then you can have it framed or whatever it is people do with those. Put it in your safe deposit box to hand down to your grandchildren, I guess.

3. GWAR neither officially endorses nor participates in this contest, nor most things, really. They just drew a penis on our wall and we kept it. That’s really the sum total of their involvement.

4. The A.V. Club is not liable for any accidents or injuries sustained during the handling of this rather large and cumbersome piece of drywall. That’s what we’ve told the people who have had to sit next to it for the past year, and that’s what we’re telling you now.

Advertisement

5. NO WEIRDOS. Please don’t enter this contest just for the opportunity to come to our offices and be weird. We have enough weirdness in our lives. We’re just trying to get rid of our monster-autographed dick wall here.

UPDATE: Hey everyone, a reminder to go through the comments and give an upvote to those whose stories of need and desire for this priceless work of dick art you feel are the most deserving. We’ll be picking a winner tomorrow based at least partly on the popular vote, which still counts for something in some places.

Advertisement

FINAL UPDATE: Well hot dog! We have a wiener! And Floyd Floyjoysion, with a staggering 46 upvotes, now you have one, too. The people truly rallied around your heartwarming story of wanting to share GWAR’s penis with your two little boys, and so their will shall be done. We’ll email you to make arrangements about coming to get this thing. Thanks, everyone!