On a day that already saw it expanding season orders for almost everything it airs, a clearly flush-with-cash-and-confidence ABC reclined upon its chaise lounge and called for more. More comedies, more dramas—more of the entertainments that fill ABC’s head with dulcet voiceovers, temporarily displacing its own voiceover—as it clapped its hands in approval and bought whatever was brought before it. And so, here are some of the things the network has picked up so far today (which we’ll probably have to update), along with our best guess as to how each show will implement the obligatory voiceover ABC loves so much.
- St. Lucy’s Home For Girls Raised By Wolves, an adaptation of Karen Russell’s 2007 bestseller of the same name, about a boarding school in the Florida Everglades where twin girls are sent to reform their “wolf-like” tendencies under the tutelage of nuns. Sex And The City’s Jenny Bicks and The Walking Dead’s Channing Powell will write the script. Voiceover narration from the two girls in creepy tandem, interrupted by howls.
- Mr. Chris, from The Millers producer Greg Garcia, who will tell a similar tale of “guy awkwardly moves in with family” in a show about a trust-fund kid named Chris who’s cut off, shacks up with a construction foreman and his brood, then learns how to be a real adult. Legit writer Chris Case will pen the script. Voiceover narration from My Name Is Earl’s Jason Lee, with no explanation given.
- The 3 Lives Of Larry, a high-concept comedy from Steven Spielberg’s Amblin TV about a guy named Larry, with each episode examining how little decisions have major consequences by showing three different versions of his life. The New Adventures Of Old Christine’s Steve Baldikoski and Bryan Behar are writing the script. Voiceover narration from all three Larrys at once in bass, baritone, and tenor, forming a glorious harmony.
- Silk, an adaptation of Peter Moffat’s BBC drama of the same name, about “an unorthodox and uncompromising” lawyer who battles for her clients and for respect using “her unstoppable blue-collar determination.” Drop Dead Diva’s Marty Scott will handle the script. Voiceover narration from Larry The Cable Guy.
- The Greater Good, a single-camera comedy produced by Elizabeth Banks that’s described as a “comedic X-Files,” setting a traditional romantic workplace sitcom in “the world of conspiracy theories.” Miss Guided’s Caroline Williams will handle the script. Voiceover narration from the microchip Obama had implanted in your head.
- An untitled autobiographical comedy based on the life of NBA star Chris Paul, who joins LeBron James and Baron Davis in the rush to translate the hilarity of professional basketball to a sitcom. Inspired by Paul’s own formative experiences, the script from The Office’s Warren Lieberstein will revolve around two brothers dealing with their old-fashioned, politically incorrect grandfather at the family service station. Voiceover narration from a basketball that occasionally rolls through the screen, slinging racial slurs.