Still searching for asylum from the murderous reach of the Hollywood Star Whackers, fugitive couple Randy and Evi Quaid pause to plead their case in this new, sprawling Vanity Fair profile, a piece as simultaneously revealing and disconcerting as its lead photo of Evi dressed only in black lingerie, thigh-high boots, and a fedora. Kicking off with the line, “Evi Quaid called from a pay phone in Vancouver to say that she and her husband, Randy, the actor, had tried to drive to Siberia, but they ‘couldn’t figure out how to get there,’” it only gets more quotable, as author Nancy Jo Sales paints a spellbinding, tragicomic portrait of paranoia and far-reaching conspiracy while the Quaids detail how they’re “running for our lives”—a chase that could well end tomorrow, seeing as the article gives up their hotel room number.
While it's full of the usual "It all connects!" wild theorizing, Sales' article ends surprisingly poignantly as Randy—finally away from Evi for a moment—reflects on how his accountant tried to warn him that Evi's wild shopping sprees were "gonna drag you into the poorhouse," suggesting that Evi just maybe concocted this whole Hollywood Star Whackers thing for fear of taking the blame for Quaid's financial troubles. But then it ends right back up on the outskirts of the new Canadian province of Crazytown, with Quaid quickly shooting down that theory as an attempt to separate him from his "lifeline." So yeah, this isn't going to end anytime soon.
Anyway, I started to paraphrase all of this for you, as is our usual wont, but the notion of divining “salient points” out of something that reads like some shared fever dream of Nathanael West and William Burroughs is ridiculous. Instead, here are 10 context-free highlights to encourage you to go check out the article in its entirety. If you happen to be Lindsay Lohan, your life may well depend on it.
- “The car smelled of fast food and dog pee and Randy’s cigars.”
- “I asked them when they believed their troubles began. They said it was in Marfa, Texas, the rural artists’ community where Giant was shot. They said they had traveled there in the summer of 2009 to ‘look at ranches and stuff’ and erect a ‘Randy Quaid museum.’”
- “[Evi] said she also suspected Jeremy Piven’s falling ill from mercury poisoning was another sign of a dastardly plot by the Broadway producers of Speed-the-Plow to collect insurance money. ‘It was an orchestrated hit,’ she said. ‘They could have put mescaline in his water bottle.’”
- “He proposed to her at a Chinese restaurant in New Jersey, near where she was living, that same night. ‘Then we went home and brushed our teeth and fucked,’ said Evi.”
- “’Madonna was funny,’ Evi said. ‘She tried to seduce Randy away. She said, “Randy, don’t you wanna come back? Jennifer [Grey, who also starred in the film] and I, we’re gonna have a ménage.”’ She laughed. Madonna and Jennifer Grey would not comment.”
- “In 1999, Evi directed Randy and Michael Caine in The Debtors, a film whose release was blocked by its backer, Intentional Software founder Charles Simonyi, reportedly because of his objection to a scene involving a 'squirting rubber penis.' 'I love that movie,' Randy said."
- “Sometime in 2006, when their high-powered neighbor threw a party—a star-studded affair with Calvin Klein and Barbra Streisand in attendance—Randy and Evi blasted music from the animated movie Home on the Range (2004) from speakers lodged in their trees. It was Randy singing a song from the film, for which he had done the voice of a villainous rancher, Alameda Slim."
- “’He ended up in a very strange costume of [his and Evi’s] creation,’ said Herrick. Randy dyed his hair beet red and wore a codpiece the size and shape of an official N.F.L. football. ‘It was a huge cock,’ said Evi. ‘It was fucking great. It looked like gay Vivienne Westwood.’”
- "She also sent several people on the production a photograph of herself lying naked on a bed holding a pistol, which Herrick referred to as 'The Naked Gun E-mail.' 'I also sent the half-naked cop photo of me by Helmut Newton with the words "Eat me,"' said Evi."
- “’Three weeks they rented a mobile home from me—it was my partner’s mom’s—after we kicked them out of our house. I was literally going insane from Evi and her dog. She let it urinate in the house; she took our dinners out to the dog—roast beef. She woke up in the morning and said the mob was here—they have chainsaws and shovels; they’re going to bury us. I said, Evi, that’s the gardener.’”