Illustration: Lena_graphics (Getty Images)

Look, there’s absolutely no way the American government is hiding aliens in Area 51. They’re obviously in a different base by now, having been dressed up in children’s clothing, packed into a sedan, and driven during the cover of night to a new, better concealed location. Still, this hasn’t stopped hundreds of thousands from planning to bum rush the Nevada air base this September and confirm that the very real aliens that once lived there have packed up and left.

A Facebook event called “Storm Area 51, They Can’t Stop Us All” sets out the plan in full detail: “We will all meet up at the Area 51 Alien Center tourist attraction and coordinate our entry,” its description reads. “If we naruto run, we can move faster than their bullets. Lets see them aliens.”

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Enticed by the prospect of heading out to the desert and ninja-sprinting past a hail of gunfire to see, once and for all, where the aliens used to live, 425,000 people have marked themselves down as “Going” and another 436,000 as “Interested.”

Despite knowing in their heart of hearts that the dozens of aliens that used to hang out in Area 51 and work side by side with human scientists to create iPhones, 4K televisions, and fidget spinners have long departed for a fresh home several miles beneath the White House, several different plans have been drawn up for the grand operation.

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Others, desperately hoping that Area 51 has stuck to the “hide in plain sight” principle of extraterrestrial subterfuge, are putting the cart before the horse, allowing their imaginations to run wild with scenes of living with a sweet alien as a roommate.

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We shouldn’t get too optimistic about the plan. For one thing, everyone who replied “Interested” to the event is just being polite, not wanting to hurt the hosts’ feelings by saying they have no real plan to be part of the meat shield that will definitely allow people to finally enter the air base. For another, everybody knows that aliens are scared of loud noises and, even if a few of them have come back to Area 51 to check on the old digs, they’re likely going to use their well-documented invisibility cloaks to hide from sight once the party starts. And yet, the wise sage Jose Canseco having told us we must locate our friends from the stars to uncover the secrets of time travel, there may be no option other than to get wasted by security this September in an effort to trigger the next step in our species’ evolution.

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